Daddycest Discussed by Crack Characters
by TheResurrectionist
Summary: Crack Winchesters and other angels find out about a new kind of fanfiction. Please review and let me know if I should keep going. Rated M for swearing, mentions of bad sex stories and other crazy cracky stuff. You know the drill. CHAPTER NINE IS UP! The wincest dust is in full swing. Sam's pregnant, and eighties hair bands rule the world. Warnings for wincest and pure crack.
1. Chapter 1

Dean: What the hell is this?

Cas: Calm down, Dean.

Dean: I will NOT calm down. Don't give me that look.

Cas: What look?

Dean: The look where you tilt your head and make that face Sam does when he feels sorry for me!

Cas: I wasn't aware Sam did that.

Dean: Nevermind! We need to deal with what's in front of us.

Cas: I believe it's called _fanfiction_.

Dean: Oh, heeeeeeeell no. I saw fanfiction before. This is different!

Cas: No, it's not hell. It's stories written by fans. You mean you read some? I heard some of them are good.

Dean: I don't understand what this is! Where's Sam?

Sam: Hey.

Dean: Holy crap! Gabriel, warn me when you do that. Why is Sam with you?

Gabriel: Do what, sweet cheeks?

Dean: Sam, does it feel like Gabriel hits on me too much?

Sam: The hell, Dean?

Dean: Never mind. Remember the fanfiction Chuck's robots wrote?

Sam: The Sam girls and Dean girls?

Dean: And the Dean and Sam Girls?

Sam: Yeah, why?

Dean: There's a new thing.

Sam: I don't understand.

Dean: It's worse.

Sam: What could be worse than brotherly incest?

Gabriel: Hey, it's kinda hot, I gotta admit-

Dean: Shut up, Gabriel!

Gabriel: Make me, Aqua Man!

Sam: What?

Cas: I don't understand that r-

Sam: We get it, Cas. You don't understand any references. WE GET IT.

Cas: ...

Dean: There's somethign called _daddycest._

Sam: Daddycest? What...oh. oh no. no no no no.

Dean: I know.

Sam: That's going too far!

Dean: And I thought brotherly incest was bad.

Sam: I need to throw up. Right now.

Gabriel: No you don't. You're being a drama queen.

Sam: Bite me, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Oooh! Is that permission?

Dean: Get your hand off my brother, you angelic piece of crap!

Gabriel: That's the best insult you could come up with?

Dean: I'm not dignifying that with an answer!

Gabriel: That's what everyone says when they're outta options, Deano.

Cas: I don't understand, what's daddycest?

Sam: Cas, think of the word _incest_. Now think of the word _daddy_. Put them together.

Cas: Daddy...incest...oh. Father.

Gabriel: I don't think he's your type, Cas.

Cas: That's not appropriate to joke about, Gabriel.

Lucifer: Heyo!

Gabriel; Yo! Big bro! Back me up on this!

Lucifer: On what?

Gabriel: Wincest is awesome!

Lucifer: Yeah, sure whatever. it's hot.

Gabriel: Whatever? Alright. How do you feel about daddycest?

Lucifer: Mhmmm. John Winchester. If I had a chance with him in hell...mmhmm.. I'd-

Sam: NOT COOL!

Dean: SHUT THE F*CK up, Lucifer!

Lucifer: Oh, hey! Winchesters! When'd you get here? Hey, is your dad here?

Fin for now? Lemme know if I should keep going.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Lucifer: Hey, Gabe, you seen this new hot stuff?

Gabriel: There's new hot stuff? Gimme!

Dean: That's my ass, Gabriel. Try again.

Gabriel: What if that's what I was aiming for?

Sam: Hey, anyone else think Cas' lack of facial expression are funny?

Cas:…

Sam: See? Hilarious!

Dean: How are we related?

Cas: I ask myself the same question every day.

Gabriel: Stop looking at me! I had the decency to leave home when I found fanfiction! I knew Daddy wouldn't accept it! But LUCIFER…NOOOO…He had to go around parading it around. Serves you right you got locked up.

Lucifer: At least I had a computer. Now, back to the hot stuff. There's this really cool new slash pairing.

Gabriel: I don't think so. I've seen it all. ALL.

Sam: I somehow don't doubt that.

Dean: Just spit it out already, Lucifer. Then I can go puke!

Gabriel: Gosh, you Winchesters, always "I'm gonna puke" this and "I can't breathe" that. I thought you guys were badass hunters or something!

Dean: Shut your face!

Sam: Yeah, we totally are!

Gabriel: Then why aren't you hunting monsters or something?

Sam:…..

Dean:…..uh…we're

Sam: It's cause all you stupid angels keep popping up!

Cas:….

Sam: Not you Cas. We like you.

Gabriel: OOOH! Cas, hear that? Sam LIKES you.

Cas: I like you too, Sam.

Gabriel: AWWWWWWWW

Lucifer: I feel like I'm being ignored. How is that possible? My DICK IS SO BIGGER THAN YOURS, GABE.

Gabriel: Because you and Sam would be so good and ...

Lucifer: See, not listening.

Dean: I'm listening to you.

Lucifer: That's cause you're a kinky son of a bitch.

Dean:…..true.

Lucifer: It's called…..well, it doesn't really have a name.

Dean: Okay, who's in it?

Lucifer:…..

Dean: Just spit it out!

Gabriel: That's what he said! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cas: Gabriel...he didn't say anything.

Lucifer: It's Sam/Dean/Bobby/John

Dean: …

Sam:...

Gabriel: Is that a vein on his forehead?

Sam: Don't poke it!

Cas: Dean….

Gabriel: DEAN! OH! DO IT AGAIN!

Cas:….

Gabriel: See, that's how you should say it.

Cas: I do-

Sam: Fucking shut up! We know you don't get it! Jesus!

Cas: I was GOING to say that I did!

Sam:...I'm sorry, Cas.

Gabriel: Aw. trouble in paradise?

Sam: At least it's far away from you!

Dean: Sam.

Sam: Just a minute. Gabriel-

Dean: SAM!

Sam: What?

Dean: I know you don't wanna hear it, but chuck's fangirls? Fangirled again.

Sam: We need to hunt those...I mean...what now?

Dean: Apparently, there's a big following for...

Sam: What is it?

Dean: Sam/Dean/Bobby/John

Sam: Together?

Dean: Uh huh.

Sam:...

Dean: I mean...

Sam: Oh god, baaaaad images.

Dean: MY EYES!

Lucifer: See Cas, this is where it gets good! When John does this one thing while Sam's-

Dean: STOP CORRUPTING HIM!

Gabriel: Well, maybe he was always dirty!

Sam: No...Nope...Cas is about as virgin as you can get.

Dean: Yeah. Actually, he could use a little porn...but not with ME in it!

Sam: Oh god. They actually put this in here?

Lucifer: Yup.

Sam: I swear, I see one more post about me getting off on being called "Baby Boy," I'm shooting someone.

Dean: heh heh. Baby boy.

Sam: Well, it's better than getting off on being called "Son" by Dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, he kinda got you there.

Cas: I love how they always make Sam's dick bigger than your's. I think I'm a SamGirl.

Gabriel: Right on!

Dean:...

Gabriel:...Not that I don't like you..stop staring...

Lucifer: I dunno. My favorite's Bobby!

Dean:...

Sam:...

Cas:...

Gabriel:...That's kinda kinky. And wrong.

Lucifer: What?

End chapter two. I'm taking requests for next prompts!


	3. Chapter 3

Lucifer: Hey, Sam. What was with that blood thingy back in season four?

Sam: Ah, what blood thingy?

Lucifer: You know, when you were totally drinking Ruby's blood, and you were all "I'm totally not doing anything wrong Dean," and he was all like, "punch to the face, sam."?

Sam: Uh, I deny any blood drinking.

Dean: What?

Sam: Hey, what was that for? Now my nose is bleeding! Thanks, Dean!

Dean: You drank her BLOOD?

Sam: We had this conversation, like, four seasons ago! Jesus!

Gabriel: I think blood kinks are cool!

Dean: I don't! What if you had gotten something from her? I am totally not waiting with you in an STD clinic again!

Sam: That was you who got the STD you idiot! And I had to wait with you while that nurse stared! Do you know how creepy she was?

Dean: Dude, she was hot.

Sam: For a grandma!

Gabriel: Hey, no discrimination! Do you know how old Lucy and I are?

Dean: Big enough to use the toilet without Daddy? Oh, wait.

Gabriel: Fuck you, Dean! I was cool before humans were invented!

Lucifer: And I totally dig the blood kink thing, Sam. I was just wondering why you did it.

Sam: I did it because I needed to feel more powerful and h-

Cas: Shut up.

Sam: -e didn't know or care why...what?

Cas: Shut up, Sam.

Sam:...

Dean:...

Lucifer:...

Gabriel:...Did Cas just tell someone to shut up?

Lucifer: Where's my instagram? I need to photograph Dean's face!

Sam: I don't understand.

Cas: There are waaaaaaay too many speeches with you justifying your blood drinking! Nobody cares!

Gabriel: I do!

Dean: You're fucking short, you don't count!

Gabriel: I won't be short when I'm riding you in my true form! I have tons of wings!

Dean: Fucking touch me and I'll kill you.

Gabriel: You can't kill me! You love me!

Sam: Like a person likes torture?

Gabriel" Exactly! I'm here to remind you how awesome life is without me!

Dean: Then why. Are. You. Fucking. Still. HERE?

Lucifer: Let's not poke Dean. But seriously, Sam. Loved the blood kinky sex. Winchester swivel, right?

Sam:...Dude. Mentioning my sex life? Creepy.

Lucifer: Would you rather I talk about Wincest? There was this new one, with a TREE...

Gabriel: oOOh! I read that one! That was seeexxxxxyyy!

Dean: Jesus Christ.

Cas: He's dead, Dean.

Dean: Crap. I forgot you were there, Cas.

Gabriel: HE'S FLIRTING WITH CAS! NO! I want WINCEST!

Dean: Why are you pushing me toward Sam?

Sam: Hey, hands off the ass, Gabe!

Dean: No! I don't wanna fuck my brother!

Lucifer: God, that's what they all say! Then they do it! Just get it over with already!

Gabriel: Yeah, all the fans from Season five miss the sexual tension!

Sam: We had sexual tension?

Gabriel: Yeah, in fact-

Lucifer: By the way Sam, that blood kink thing-

Sam: FUCKING SHUT UP, LUCIFER!

Lucifer: He said shut up to me!

Gabriel: Oh, you poor baby.

Dean: Why don't YOU two fuck? Since you're making us!

Sam: Ow!

Dean: I really don't appreciate the double hand cuffs, Gabe!

Gabriel: I dunno, Lucy. You game?

Lucifer: But, Sam, the blook kink-

Gabriel: BLOODKINK IS NOT SEXY, LUCIFER! WINCEST IS! JESUS!

Cas: Gabriel, Jesus is dead.

Gabriel:...

Lucifer:...

Sam:...

Dean:...where's Cas go?

Gabriel: Bobby's house. They're both naked and in a closet together. Should be fun.

Dean: The fuck, Gabriel?

Gabriel: Exactly.

Lucifer: Oh, no. Ohhhh god. here it comes.

Gabriel: Mwahaha!

Lucifer: When Gabe gets really pissed, he makes everyone sing karaoke!

Gabriel: WELCOME, TO GABRIEL'S AMERICAN IDOL!

Dean: Shoot me now.

Sam: No, shoot me first!

Lucifer: Stupid immortal angel suicide proofing! Gah! My eyes!

Sam: Is that his...?

Dean: Cas, Cas? Where are you?

End chapter

A/N keep going? lemme know


	4. Chapter 4

More craziness. Crack surprise update cause I'm totally lame.

Enjoy! :) 3

Warning: Crack and Swearing. I don't know why you're on FF if you're not aware of this. :)

Dean: That was worse than hell, I'm sorry to say.

Gabriel: What?! Really?

Lucifer: Yes. We're never speaking of it again.

Gabriel: I bet there's tons of fangirls waiting to hear about it!

Sam: Worse than hell? I didn't see you spend more than a hundred and fifty years being tortured by LUCIFER!

Dean: True.

Sam: You know what he does when he gets bored?

Dean: Why are you crying, Sam?

Sam: He makes…you….he makes you…

Gabriel: It can't be worse than singing, right?

Sam: He makes you play…_twilight: a board game…._

Dean; Wait, is that the movie with that pansy ass vampire? Man, we could get that guy in a heartbeat.

Lucifer: I'll let you know that some of us LIKE the "pansy ass vampire"!

Gabriel: EW! I'm team Jacob! He takes his shirt off more often. I need a manly man like him…mmmmhmmm..

Lucifer: Hey! I've got an idea!

Dean: NO TWILIGHT.

Lucifer: Jeez, haters. No, lets play "word association". It's a game Dad made me play with the therapist I saw.

Gabriel: HAHA. I remember that. He thought you had "issues". The therapist made him draw pictures, and Lucifer always drew porn!

Lucifer: What was I supposed to draw? Chick was hot. I thought I was being subtle!

Gabriel: Let's start! I'll go first.

Lucifer: Velvet.

Gabriel: Channel.

Lucifer: Crown.

Gabriel: Head.

Lucifer: Stripes.

Gabriel: White.

Lucifer: Taut.

Gabriel: Squeeze!

Lucifer: Deep.

Gabriel: Throat.

Lucifer:….this is sounding a little too much like fanfiction…

Gabriel: Those are perfectly innocent words! What's wrong with "head"?

Dean: cough cough cough

Sam: Guys, no…

Dean: I'm gonna play!

Sam: Dean, bad idea!

Dean: I don't care Sammy. I'm going to play without making it dirty. Just to prove them wrong! Not everything is porn!

Gabriel: Oh, GAME ON!

Lucifer: It's okay Sammy, I still lo-

Sam: I'm going to take my hand off in five seconds, and you're going to stop flirting with me. Got it?

Gabriel: Ooh, Sammy, I bet Dean loves it when you get possessive! Oh! Lucy, I read this one Alpha Beta fic, and lemme say….

Lucifer: Mmmmhph!

Sam: Stop licking my hand.

Lucifer: Mphmm mphmm mphmm mphmmm mphmmm!

Gabriel: I think he said "but it tastes so good!"

Sam: Sicko.

Lucifer: AIR!

Gabriel: Jesus, just breathe through your nose. Idiot.

Sam: My hand's wet now…with devil spit. Jesus.

Gabriel: You're saying that word a lot. Lucifer's an idjit, though, so I'd get myself checked. Hope you didn't catch anything.

Lucifer: Hey! Who was the one who held you when you cried all over my couch when Bobby died?

Gabriel: You did.

Lucifer: So stop making fun of me.

Dean: Guys, let's just play the game already.

Gabriel: Mwahaha. Let's begin.

Lucifer: Thick.

Dean: Tree.

Lucifer: Diamond.

Dean: Ring.

Lucifer: Press.

Dean: Printer.

Lucifer: Hole.

Dean: Grave.

Lucifer: Knot.

Dean: String.

Lucifer: Hot.

Dean: Cold.

Lucifer: Grip.

Dean: Er….Bike.

Lucifer: Ha! Umm…Back.

Dean: Bare? Damn it!

Lucifer: Balls.

Dean: Big…wait a minute!

Lucifer: Pebbles.

Dean: Stones.

Lucifer: Mount.

Dean: Damn it! STOP IT! I admit defeat! You can make everyone think of porn!

Gabriel: Score one for the angels! That wasn't even two minutes!

Sam: Jesus.

Gabriel: He wasn't an angel.

Sam: You're beginning to sound like Cas.

Gabriel: I kinda miss him…where'd he go?

Sam: You sent him away! Where did you send him?

Gabriel: Hmmm. Good question.

Dean: Oh, God.

Cas: Blasphemy is a sin.

Dean: CAS! YOU'RE BACK!

Sam: I didn't know Cas could blush!

Dean: He's…..

Lucifer: Why is Dean squeezing his ass?

Dean: I'm NOT! Unlike you yahoos, I can be nice without being pervy!

Lucifer: Uh huh. What about that waitress you hit on in Detroit?

Dean: I was DRUNK.

Gabriel: That's what they all say.

Dean: Oh, is that how you get chicks?

Gabriel: SHUT UP!

Dean: Make me, SHORTIE!

Sam: Guys, can't we just all-

Dean: NO!

Gabriel: NO!

Sam:…..Fine.

Cas: I'm sorry, but I think we lost Lucifer.

Dean: Why is that a bad thing?

Lucifer: GUYS, I'M ON THE ROOF!

Sam: Jesus.

Dean:….Fuck.

Gabriel: YES!

A/N Please review and let me know if I should keep going!


	5. Chapter 5

Sam: Are we just gonna leave Lucifer on the roof?

Gabriel: Yep. Last time he did this, we just left him up there, and he didn't come down for a week.

Sam: Why does he go up there in the first place?

Gabriel: Well, last time he said something about being one with the birds. Hell if I know what that means. He's LUCIFER. He INVENTED batshit crazy.

Dean: Mphmmm.

Lucifer: I'm back!

Dean: No one missed you.

Lucifer: Really? I missed me.

Gabriel: Dumbass. Anyhoo, I wrote a oneshot while you were gone!

Dean: When did you have time to write anything?

Gabriel: You were too busy making out with Cas.

Sam: Haha. That's it.

Gabriel: It's abusive!John! You'll love it. It's all angsty and stuff!

Dean: Wait...what's Abusive John?

Gabriel: You know, when John, like, I dunno, abuses you guys. And like, sometimes rapes you.

Dean: The FUCK?

Sam: WHAT?

Gabriel: Cause, you know, like everyone knows that John's secretly abusive!

Sam: Why is your hand on my shoulder?

Gabriel: Were you abused, Sam? It's okay, you can tell me.

Dean: Oh, hell no! Angels don't have puppy eyes!

Gabriel: It's not something to be ashamed of, Sam.

Sam: I...uh...what?

Dean: Stop touching my brother, asshat!

Gabriel: And that's why you're so angry all the time, Dean. Because Daddy screwed you up. It's okay, we understand...

Lucifer: Yeah, we do.

Dean: It sounds like you're asking us to join a cult. Jesus.

Cas: That's Sam's word.

Sam: Crap.

Dean: NOBODY ABUSED US!

Lucifer and Gabriel: DENIAL.

Sam: Nobody abused us, seriously. Dean's just that fucked up anyway.

Dean: HEY! What ever happened to brotherly love?

Sam: Apparently we can't have it, because people turn it into WINCEST!

Dean:...

Gabriel:...

Lucifrer:...

Gabriel: Is he mad at us?

Lucifer: Psh, no.

Dean: Oh, my god. I'm going to shoot something.

Gabriel: I feel like that's how we always end our topics. Maybe we should just go to bed?

Dean: Angels sleep?

Cas: Yes.

Dean: Since when?

Lucifer: Since they invented sleeping pills. Duh. Things are STRONG. Sometimes I give them to Gabe when he gets too sugar high.

Gabriel: I do NOT.

Lucifer: Says the guy who goes through three packets of skittles a minute.

Gabriel: At least I'm not stupid!

Lucifer: YOU'RE STUPID.

Michael: STOP.

Lucifer: Michael! You're here! Tell Gabe I'm right and he's wrong!

Gabriel: Don't take his side!

Michael: Both of you, STOP. God sent me here to tell you a message.

Lucifer: That doesn't sound cliched at ALL.

Michael: Lucifer.

Lucifer: FINE.

Gabriel: What is it?

Dean: That's Michael? Why is he wearing a woman as a vessel?

Lucifer: Oh, hey, look! He's wearing a girl!

Gabriel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MICHAEL'S A GIRL!

Dean: And I thought Sam looked like a girl...

Michael: What are you...stop it. I'm here...it's serious! GUYS!

Gabriel: Right hand of God my ass!

Michael: GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT SAM WINCHESTER IS PREGNANT.

Gabriel:...

Lucifer:...

Dean: The FUCK?

Cas: Ummm...congratulations? That is what you say, correct?

Dean:...

Lucifer:...

Gabriel:...Well...who's the daddy then?

Michael: Well, he-

Dean: GUYS CAN'T GET PREGNANT!

Lucifer: Uh, yeah they can. If it's an angel baby. Don't you read fanfiction?

Dean: NO.

Michael: Gabriel and Lucifer are both the father.

Gabriel:Shit, knew that condom had a hole in it.

Lucifer: I didn't use one!

Gabriel: Aww, man.

Dean:...

Cas: Michael, I don't think Dean is breathing.

Michael: Umm...well...I don't heal. That's Raphael. Want me to call him down?

Gabriel: NO. I hate Raph. He's such a twat.

Sam: Hey, guys. I'm back. I miss anything?

Dean: YOU HAD SEX WITH GABRIEL AND LUCIFER?

Sam: Oh, shit.

A/N Review! Please!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N And, here's another chapter! If you're into Gabriel and like serious oneshots, go check out my new post called "Two Divided By Zero" for Outside POV on Gabe, my fav angel J

Sam: Dean, you don't understand….it was just a….ah…..a one time thing?

Dean: SO WHAT? Now your stupid ass is pregnant! How is that even possible?

Gabriel: You're just jealous cause he makes a better bottom than you ever would!

Lucifer: Yeah!

Dean: I am NOT A BOTTOM!

Cas:…

Sam: Ah, I really needed to know that?

Dean: Tell them Cas!

Lucifer: Cas had sex with you?

Gabriel: Jesus, Lucifer! Aren't you keeping up on my destiel page? Of COURSE they had sex!

Dean: I didn't!….AH! Cas and I had sex. FINE.

Cas: I wasn't aware that you were embarrassed by it.

Lucifer: So is he really the bottom?

Dean:…

Sam: Enough about Dean' sex life…how did you guys find out?

Michael: I have a message from God, Samuel Winchester.

Sam: Who is he?!

Lucifer: That's Michael…some people slash me and him….but I don't think he's that adventurous in bed…so…

Michael: That's irrelevant.

Lucifer: See?!

Michael: I came to tell you that you are pregnant, Samuel.

Sam: WHAT?

Michael: Lucifer and Gabriel are both the father.

Sam: …..I'm…..pregnant?

Gabriel: With my kid!

Lucifer: MY KID.

Michael: BOTH of your kids. Jesus.

Sam: Wait, my baby's a mixture of Gabriel and Lucifer?

Dean: Oh god. Ohhhhhhh god.

Cas: What is wrong? Sam is pregnant, that is good, right?

Dean: Think of Gabriel and Lucifer.

Cas: Okay….

Dean: Now combine them.

Cas:….okay…

Dean: Add a little Sam…

Cas: okay.

Dean: Now stir. Out pops a baby.

Cas:….

Dean: See?

Cas: I'm not prepared for another apocalypse!

Sam: I'm gonna faint.

Lucifer: I'll save you!

Gabriel: NO! ME!

Sam:….

Dean: Oh fuck. Is Sam bleeding?

Michael: Lucifer! Gabriel! MOVE. I can't believe you just let your future child and husband fall and hit his head!

Cas: Let's move Sam to a different room.

Dean: I'll help.

Lucifer: Michael! It wasn't my fault! Gabriel pushed me!

Gabriel: Don't listen to him! He pushed me!

Michael: And so no one caught Sam! What do you have to say for yourselves?

Gabriel:…..

Lucifer:…

Gabriel: Sorry.

Lucifer: Yeah. Sorry.

Dean: Asshats! Where's my holy oil? Sam's head is bleeding now! You stupid winged ass monkeys!

Cas: Michael, do I have your permission to throw Lucifer and Gabriel into the HMM?

Michael: That is an odd request, Castiel.

Cas: I believe they deserve it.

Dean: What's the HMM?

Cas: Hmm? Oh. It's a terrifying punishment. Trust me.

Lucifer: NO! DON'T THROW ME IN THERE. Please, Michael!

Gabriel: ….Oh God. Please not that! Please, brother. I'm begging you!

Cas: You injured Sam Winchester.

Lucifer: It was an ACCIDENT.

Gabriel: Yeah!

Cas: We will not let you out until you've learned your lesson.

Lucifer:….

Gabriel:….

Michael: Alright. With those two gone, I'll leave. You have the remote, Castiel?

Cas: Yes.

Michael: Good. Farewell.

Dean:…So what is the HMM really?

Cas: I believe it stands for "Hannah Montana Machine" I am not aware what it does, only that those who go in never return the same.

Dean: Like, Hannah Montana evil incarnate?

Cas: If you want to refer to it that way, sure.

Dean: Ooh, I can't wait till they get out!

Cas:…

Dean: Why are you smiling, huh?

Cas: Kiss me, Dean.

Dean: I'm down with that.

Cas:….

Dean:…

Cas: Wait, I hear something.

Dean:….

Cas:…..nevermind.

John: Hey, Dean!

Wait. Who are you kis...is that a guy?

Dean: Oh FUCK.

End chapter seven.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Thanks to the many goldfish involved in making this happen. I'd like to thank my third grade math teacher…anyhow. Enjoy the next chapter! Don't forget to leave me a review! J

Dean: DAD! AH, what are you doing here?  
Cas: I think the more important question is why he's alive, don't you think?  
Dean: Naw, we're Winchesters. We always end up coming back eventually.  
John: Dean! Why are you kissing him?  
Dean: That wasn't kissing! I was, ah, getting something outta his teeth, right Cas?  
John: With your TONGUE?  
Dean: oh god….ah…Sam? You awake yet, buddy? Come help a brother out!  
Sam: What happened?  
Cas: That was weirdly plot symmetrical.  
Sam: Why am I bleeding?  
Cas: You fainted, remember?  
Sam: Oh yeah. Because Michael said I was….wait a second. I'm pregnant?  
John: The HELL?  
Sam: Dad?! What are you doing here?  
Cas: He's back from the dead, apparently.  
Sam: Oh, bound to happen eventually, being a Winchester and all.  
John: Both of you boys better stop blabbering and tell me what's going on here! All I see is Dean kissing a guy and you screaming about being pregnant!  
Sam: Ah, it's April Fools.  
Dean:…..what's wrong with kissing a guy?  
Cas:….  
Sam:…  
John:….Really? It's April?  
Sam: Yup!  
Dean: Oh, yeah, definitely!  
Cas; Totally sure!  
John: Okay then…So, how've you been?  
Dean: Well, I've-  
Gabriel: WOAH! John Winchester!  
Lucifer! Omigod, I actually get to meet him! Sign my chest?  
Gabriel: Put your shirt down! No one wants to see your hairy chest!  
Lucifer: It's not hairy! That's just what I tell the fan girls!  
John: Get your chest outta my face before I put a hole in it!  
Lucifer: Whoa, he's not as nice as I thought he'd be!  
Gabriel: You're such an idiot, Lucy. Didn't you read any of the abusive John I sent you?  
Lucifer: Was that the stuff labeled "Read this right now Lucifer or I'll come smite your ass?"  
Gabriel: Yes..  
Lucifer: TL;DR.  
Gabriel: *smack* I cried my eyes out over that stuff, and you couldn't even look at it?  
Lucifer: Too busy with the new wincest page. I got three thousand new views on the new john wincest threesome page!  
John: Wait, what?  
Dean: Ah, how was the Hannah Montana Machine?  
John: Dean….  
Sam: Hey, Dad, here's some whiskey, remember, your favorite?  
John: Ooh….  
Dean: Jesus. Was he always that much of a weirdo, or did we just grow up?  
Gabriel: I dunno. I'm never gonna grow up.  
Cas: We can tell.  
Gabriel: Ooh! That was almost funny! Lucy, Cas said a joke!  
Lucifer: John isn't as sexy as I thought he'd be.  
Gabriel: Oh, boo hoo. Go read some wincest, you fan boy.  
Lucifer: Is that your solution to everything? Read some more wincest?  
Gabriel: Yep!  
Sam: Okay, he's staying in the other room for now. Anyone wanna explain to me why our Dad's here, though?  
Gabriel: The Winchester Law Of Mortality.  
Cas: Which is?  
Gabriel: You goddamn Winchesters are so stubborn that you keep coming back. I know for a fact several reapers quit their jobs because of you all.  
Dean: Whoa, really? That's kinda cool. It's cause we're so awesome, right?  
Sam:….  
Dean: I think it's cause we're so awesome.  
Lucifer:…..so, Sammy boy, how's our baby?  
Sam: Get your hand off my belly!  
Lucifer: But it's so SQUISHY!  
Sam: No, it's not! I'm not even a month along yet!  
Gabriel: Actually, with angel babies, you can have the baby right now if you wanted.  
Sam:….Whaat?  
Gabriel: Yeah. Some sort of magic angel mojo. Can I touch your stomach too?  
Sam: NO!  
Gabriel: But I asked! And I'm one of the baby daddies too!  
Dean: Oh, Jesus.  
Cas: That's Sam's wor-  
Dean: Shut up, Cas. Can I at least name the baby?  
Sam: I'm knocked up by two of the biggest idiots in history…  
Gabriel: HEY!  
Lucifer:…Hey!  
Sam:…..And all you wanna know is if you can name the baby?  
Dean: Ah, no…calm down sam….sammy?  
Cas: Shit! Catch him!  
Dean:…  
Lucifer:…..  
Gabriel:…  
Dean:….Did Cas just swear?  
Cas: We dropped him again!  
Dean: Someone help Sam to the couch….  
Gabriel: Cas is becoming worse than you at this age.  
Lucifer: Nuh uh! I'd like to point out that at this age I invented the Plague.  
Gabriel: Fair point.  
John: Why is Sam on the couch?  
Dean: Ah, drive by fruiting?  
Gabriel: Wrong movie, dumbo.  
Lucifer: You ever feel like our chapters end a little too dramatically each time?  
Gabriel: Maybe we should just end without a cliffhanger. That would make us a normal, boring story.  
Lucifer: Sure, I guess. Just this one time though-  
Bobby: What the hell?  
Dean: Oh shit.  
John: BOBBY?  
Bobby: John!?  
Lucifer: *whispers* now kiss!  
Gabriel:*smack*

End chapter seven


	8. Chapter 8

A/N This chapter written while possibly being sugar high. Anyone still here? Bueler? Bueeellleerrr? J Inspired by a certain incident between me and my hilarious beta.

* * *

Cas: WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE KEEPING FAINTING?

Dean: Dude, chill, this is crack fict-

Cas: THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE! STRONG MEN DO NOT FAINT!

Dean: Well, you know, I haven't fainted yet….

Gabriel: Can I knock him out?

Sam: No.

Gabriel: Awww. Please?

Sam: Yes.

Gabriel: Really?

Sam: No.

Lucifer: So, both Bobby and John fainted? At the same time?

Dean: Yeah.

Lucifer: So that means, they're like, star-crossed lovers or something. Ooh! JOBBY!

Dean: No. Please don't go there.

Lucifer: You Winchesters are like bikes! Gosh!

Gabriel:…

Sam:…..

Dean: Like bikes? What the fuck?

Lucifer: You know, squishy, painful in your crotch area, really cool looking, not as much fun after you ride them all day…..

Sam: HEY!

Gabriel: Not that it wasn't good, Sambo.

Castiel: So nobody cares that I just had a completely out of character freak out? That nobody appeared to notice?

Gabriel: Humph. So, what do we do with John And Bobby?

Lucifer: I've got an idea.

…

…

* * *

Lucifer: Open wide!

John:…

Lucifer: C'mon! Here comes the choo choo train!

John:….

Lucifer: You're not being fair. Come on! Open up!

John:…

Lucifer: Fine, you're no fair. Maybe Bobby will try.

Bobby:…

Lucifer: Come on! Open up!

Bobby:…..

Lucifer: I'll give you candy!

Bobby:…

Lucifer: Okay, fine. I lied about the candy. Help me out here, buddy!

Bobby:…

Dean: You do know they're asleep, right?

Lucifer:….Yeah.

Gabriel: I was totally rooting for you, Bobby.

Bobby:….

Lucifer: Do you think they're be upset if I put them in bed together?

Gabriel: Ummm….maybe…

Lucifer: Naked?

Gabriel: Yep, definitely.

Dean: Oh yeah, they'd totally love that.

Lucifer: Really?! Cool!

Dean: No, not really you idiot.

Lucifer: STICKS AND STONES CAN BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME!

Dean: Lucifer!

Lucifer: LALALALALALALALALALALA!

Gabriel: You know he can't hear you, right?

Sam: Why is Lucifer running around with his hands on his head?

Cas: Spoonfeeding.

Dean: Why did Lucifer spoonfeed them again?

Gabriel: I dunno. He used to do it to Uriel a lot when he was a fledgling. Something about corrupting him while he was asleep.

Sam: Wait, he does this while they're asleep?

Gabriel: Yeah. Actually, I think he did it to you once.

Sam: What?!

Gabriel: Strained peas. Yuck. Didn't go with your skin tone.

Dean: Samantha always wears makeup, don't worry.

Sam: Deeeaaannn!

Gabriel: Poof!

Dean: The fuck, dude? I'm covered in blue dust!

Gabriel: TRUTH dust, Dean.

Sam: Oh…..no way….*grins*

Dean: Shut up! No one likes yo-

Sam, I want to take you upstairs!

Sam: What?

Gabriel: It's kicking in….

Sam: What did you do? That's not normal truth dust!

Gabriel: Did I mention it was WINCEST truth dust?

Sam: Dean doesn't wanna fuck me. Trust me, I'd know-

Dean: SAM I HAVE GUILTY FEELINGS FOR YOU! IF THIS IS WRONG, I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT!

Sam: Get offa me! No! Gabriel!

Gabriel: mwahahahaha.

Lucifer: Popcorn?

Gabriel: Oh YES.

* * *

A/N A review….seems..so…far….away…

That's okay. Crack is self fulfilling. **Smiles**


	9. Chapter 9

Dean: Sam, you gotta accept me! I know it's wrong..but..but..I'm you're older brother, and if I'm this fucked up, it's gotta be okay!

Sam: Someone get him off of me! Cas?

Cas: Why does everyone assume I have a leash on Dean?

Gabriel: Prolly cause you always top.

Cas: What?

Gabriel: You know? Like, in the fics?

Lucifer: Yeah. But I like Top!Dean better anyway. No offense, little bro, but Dean is a much sexier top than you. Especially with bottom!Sam.

Dean: Our love is forever, Sam!

Sam: Stop touching my crotch. Now.

Dean: I love it when you get bitchy. It makes the chase so much more fulfilling!

Lucifer: Jeez, I didn't know wincest was this clichéd in real life…

Dean: I can feel your arousal, Sam…

Sam: I think that was the most disturbing thing you've ever said to me.

Gabriel: I think the most disturbing thing anyone ever told me was that I was delusional. I almost fell off my rainbow unicorn.

Lucifer: C'mon Dean! Go for the jugular! No, seriously, go for the neck! Sam has a blood kink!

Sam: THAT'S FUCKING YOU, LUCIFER!

Lucifer: Hey, if you look at it one way, I sort of am you…

Sam:…

Lucifer: The whole rebellion thing for starters, and being MFEO. I mean, that sounds like a cool club, right?

Gabriel: Totally, bro.

Lucifer: See, I have backing! Better than last time I got into a fight.

Cas: When was that?

Lucifer: Uhh….nope, don't remember. Something about soccer and bad wincest fics.

Gabriel: You know, Dean's flirting face is kind of sexy…

Dean: Look, Dad's not gonna find out. It's just you and me against the world, Sammy. Who cares if we're fucked up, baby boy?

Gabriel: Oh heeeeeeeeell no. He just went for the "baby boy" nickname. That is so, like, three seasons ago.

Lucifer: I KNOW!

Sam: Stop.

Dean: Make me, baby boy.

Sam: Stop trying to talk like batman.

Dean: I AM Batman.

Cas: I am afraid you are mistaken. I am Batman.

Sam: Just stop, Dean. You'll be really embarrassed when this dust wears off.

Dean: I…I love you, Sammy…

Sam: Oh, shit.

Dean:….And if you ever….

Gabriel: Do you think if we ignore him, he'll stop rambling? I'm beginning to regret inventing wincest dust…

Sam: This is your fault?!

Lucifer: Holy shit, Gabriel!

Gabriel: What? What?!

Lucifer: Castiel is Batman.

Gabriel: Since when? How did I not know about this? This is awesome!

Lucifer: I know, right?!

Dean:…..Because you're here, Sam, and you're the only one I've ever truly loved. Hell, I've raised you, Sam! How could this not be fucked up?

Sam: He's definitely not shutting up, Gabe. What the hell do we do?

Lucifer: Ooh! I know a way to get him quiet!

Sam: SWEET BABY JESUS MURPHY TELL ME FUCKING NOW!

Gabriel: Oh, c'mon Sam. It's not that bad. At least he's sexy.

Sam: You know what? You shut up! You're all flip-floppity!

Lucifer: I've got the plan!

Sam: Go on…

Lucifer: It's real simple.

Sam: Lucifer.

Lucifer: Yeah?

Sam: Fucking tell me.

Lucifer: Okay…you gotta kiss him. Like, right now.

Dean: Did I hear kiss? Sam you gotta believe me, I KNOW this is wrong, but…

Sam: Oh fucking Hell. Dean, come here.

Gabriel: AH!

Lucifer: I'm gonna faint!

Sam: What? What?!

Gabriel: Real, live wincest porn. Right in front of us.

Lucifer: Be still my beating heart!

Gabriel: Please take your shirt off, please take your shirt off….

Lucifer: This is what I dream about.

Sam: You know what, never mind.

Dean: It's okay if you're having second thoughts, Sammy. I have those thoughts too! But then I see you in the shower and-

Gabriel: Ah, that's a little better.

Lucifer: Where did you send them?

Gabriel: A deserted island full of sex pollen. Everyone know that's how you get over incestuous sex –anxiety.

Lucifer: Ah. Naturally.

Cas: So, what are we going to do now?

Gabriel: Oh, hi Cas! I forgot you were there.

Lucifer:I wish I forgot you were there sometimes, Gabe.

Gabriel: Do I sense a note of annoyance? Are you still pissed about the Big Bang?

Lucifer: No.

Gabriel: Ha! You totally are! It's not my fault the Time!Travel!Sam tag was sexier in my fic. I totally got more reviews!

Lucifer: You had him fuck his sixteen year old older brother! How the hell is that even possible?

Gabriel: See, nothing ever really is on Fanfiction. You just gotta roll with it, buddy boy.

Cas: I have a solution.

Lucifer: To what? I think we've run out of conveniently timed problems.

Gabriel: Oh shit.

Lucifer: What? What's so scary, little bro?

Gabriel: He's got the monkey. The motherfucking monkey.

Lucifer: The monkey?

Cas: Now, repeat after me: I will not read fanfiction anymore.

Lucifer: Heeeeell no. What shit is he on?

Gabriel:...NO...must resist..the eyes...

Lucifer: Someone wanna explain to me why Cas is holding a monkey doll?

Gabriel: Look AWAY, Lucifer, LOOK AWAY!

Cas: I will not read fanfiction. I will not read fanfiction...

Gabriel: I will not read...GOD LUCIFER FUCKING SAVE YOURSELF! I'M LOST!

Lucifer: Why don't we just snap Cas away?

Gabriel:...

Lucifer: Fine, I'll just put earphones and a blindfold on. That'll solve it, right?

Gabriel:...

Cas: I am confused. Why isn't it working on Lucifer?

Gabriel:...Oh he let me go. Jesus. Um, well, because he basically cut off all of his senses.

Cas: He can do that?

Gabriel: Yes. Very scary thing. But, it has its perks.

Cas: Like?

Gabriel: Watch. He's starting the sequence.

Lucifer:...LALALALALALALALALA! I AM A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!

Cas: What?

Gabriel: He can't hear anything right now. Go on. He can't hear you. Yell something.

Cas: I wouldn't want to offend him.

Gabriel: HEY! LUCIFER! I BET YOU WON'T GUESS WHO LET ME POSSESS THEM!

Lucifer:..LALALALALA! I'm so pretty! I'm so pretty! I'm so pretty, so pretty, so AHH!

Gabriel: Well, I'll give you a hint. I FUCKED ADAM YOUNG, CONOR KENNEDY, ED SHEERAN, HARRY STYLES, JAKE GYLLENHAL, JOE JONAS, AND JOHN MAYER. WHO AM I?

Cas: Someone with a lot of chafing?

Gabriel: Ha! That was almost funny. See, you can yell stuff and he won't hear you.

Lucifer: I LOVE THE GIRLS, AND THE GIRLS LOVE MEEE!

Gabriel: FUCKING SHUT UP!

Lucifer: Lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa

Gabriel: See?

Cas: Okay. If you're sure..I am willing to try.

Gabriel: Yay! Go ahead. Give it your best shot!

Cas: Ahem...

Lucifer: HaaaaaaaaaAHHHHHH! We come from the land of the ice and snow!

Cas: HERE WE STAND!

Gabriel: Ah, what/

Cas: WORLDS APART, HEARTS BROKEN IN TWO! TWO! TWOOOO!

Gabriel: Is that...Journey?

Cas: SLEEPLESS NIGHTS! LOSING GROUND I'M REACHING FOR YOU! YOU! YOUUUUU!

Gabriel: Well, I can't say I approve of the music, but maybe you've done enough-

Cas: SOMEDAY, LOVE WILL FIND YOU! BREAK THOSE, CHAINS THAT BIND YOU! ONE NIGHT, WILL REMIND YOU!

Lucifer: How we touched and went our separate wayyssssss!

Gabriel: No! Put the blindfold back on! We're not ocapella-ing Journey! Nuh uh!

Cas: I still love you, babe!

Lucifer: Really love you, babe!

Gabriel: That's it. I'm calling Sam and Dean back. At least I'll be able to semi-enjoy the dub-con over Journey.

Dean: What's wrong with Journey?

Sam: Oh thank Jesus. Thank ever loving Jesus.

Gabriel: Now kiss! I need my wincest!

Sam: Hey, are they singing-

Gabriel: No. No they're not. Now kiss!

Sam:..Uh...no. I've come to a realization.

Dean: Yeah?

Sam: Don't look at me like that.

Dean: Like what?

Sam: Like I'm about to jump your bones. I'm not.

Dean:...What?

Gabriel: Shit. Come on, cut a horny archangel some slack?

Sam: If I'm pregnant, and Michael seems to think that I am, then why aren't I craving things?

Gabriel: Well, I dunno. Do you feel weird?

Sam: I feel queasy. Do you have any stuff?

Gabriel: Stuff? Raph's the healer, not-

Dean: Hey, Gabe. Got any wincest dust left?

Gabriel: Why? What do you need it-oh. Oh you sneaky bastard. Yes. YES.

Dean: Heheh.

Sam: Why are you smiling like that?

Cas: YOU KNOW, I STILL LOVE YOU!

Lucifer: THOUGH WE TOUCHED AND WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS!

Gabriel: Heheh. Sounds a little dirty.

Sam: Jesus. Is there ever going to be an end?

Lucifer: OOh! I know a song that says that! JUST GIVE ME AND ENDD...

Cas: I'M STILL LOVING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Sam: Dad! Daaad?!

Zacariah: Yes?

Gabriel: Holy shit!

* * *

A/N Okay, so more? Eh?


End file.
